My Story 4. "Anger and It's Possession"

I just want to start by giving God all the glory and the honor, He is truly an amazing God and if no one believes in Him -I do! I thank God for allowing the pureness of my spirit to overthrow the evil that was trying to conquer my soul. I'm still fighting but the battle is already won! A generally angry person is one you should beware. They can't be trusted with their emotions or their thoughts. For the most part they're battling with themselves if their heart isn't completely consumed. Sometimes we can see the good in even the worst people -I know I can. Anger, in my life, stemmed from being a target of verbal abuse. No matter how small you may think your words may be, some of them hurt and will scar a person for the rest of their life, if they allow it. When someone is told they're something they are not on a consistent basis, they will eventually begin to believe what they are being told. From as far back as I can remember, I remember being told I was "evil" -mainly by older siblings who would get upset when I wouldn't do what they thought I should be doing for them or when I looked at people a certain way. I mean, I've always known right from wrong and no matter how right a person felt they were, if I knew it was wrong I wanted no parts of it; that included people too. If you were generally a bad person I wanted nothing to do with you. As a kid I felt that people who did bad things were "bad people" and I wasn't bad, I was good. I wanted to keep it that way. I liked the way I was treated when I was good. I got to go places and do things when I was good. I never wanted to be bad! As I grew older, my perspective of "bad people" changed. I realized that most people who did bad things weren't bad, they just had problems. For one reason or another they did bad things because they felt it was something they had to do or needed to do. After years of being tormented with being told I was "evil" I slowly started to believe it. Gradually from the age of 10-17 I went from believing I was good, to believing I was misunderstood, to believing I was partially evil. I never believed I was completely evil and I'm glad! My teenage years I previously deemed to have been the worst years of my life. Although, now that I'm older I view them differently. These years may have been the "worst" in comparison to the rest of my life, but they were the most educational years of my life. I am truly grateful that I was able to experience the things I have -if not, I wouldn't be who I am today. Thank you God! Anger -anger consumed me in a way I would have never imagined it would. I was a happy child with an awesome life. I was spoiled and I got what I wanted almost all of the time. I had no reason to be angry. It wasn't until my older siblings became more "in the picture" after the arrival of my baby brother, that I began to experience anger. As any other child who was use to being the "baby" I was upset when I found out I had a baby brother (I mean, I was 5 what do you expect). There is roughly a 13-15yr gap between my older siblings and myself (I am number 7 of 8). My baby brother and myself are adopted so this explains the age gap and why I was completely blindsided by the arrival of a baby brother. There was no prep time, it just happened (at least in my eyes). As I previously stated, I was upset -not angry. The overall shock of being a big sister went away after the first couple of months of his life -I was over it. After modeling after my older siblings and the way they acted with me I knew I had to take on the role of the big sister. I had to be his protector, I had to look after him, and I had to be responsible for him (I blame the Webster's Dictionary for teaching me the meaning of these words at such a young age. Yes I read the dictionary when I was a little. I like words, so what! lol). I modeled after my sisters because they were older I never paid any attention to the fact that they were grown with children of their own. So not only was I reenacting the role of the big sister, I was also reenacting the role of the mother. I wasn't told I was evil until my nieces and nephews would tell on me for doing certain things they didn't want me to do when we played. I was always mature and I had my own way of thinking, I was a very hard person to persuade, but if you could persuade me into doing something, I was all in. Myself, along with my little brother always played with our nieces and nephews -our siblings were all grown and had their own families, we were all around the same ages, so we grew up more like siblings than anything else. As in most urban households the oldest is always left in charge when the guardian leaves to go to the store. The oldest has to watch the youngest kids, even if you didn't want to - and nothing better be broken or out of place when they got back either. So that means if the little ones messed up you either better make them clean up or you do it yourself... I was never the one to do anyone else's dirty work, so discipline was my specialty. Everyone knew if I was in charge you better not do anything wrong or else I was going to "whip" you lol. I don't do bad kids, never have, never will lol. As a result of me being the young disciplinarian I was, I got into a lot of trouble with my older siblings. They never wanted me to do anything to these old bad kids lol... I was deemed evil and I was told I did hateful things to these kids -smh. Little did they know I was only mimicing the actions that had been done to me, I mean I was modeling after their example so what was the big deal? Their perspective made me very angry. I carried this anger from my childhood into my teenage years and my adulthood. I never realized the root of my anger until I started writing this passage. Like my aunt said, it's God revealing things to me so I can release it. I've been a very angry person my whole life -I remember being told all the time "you'd be prettier if you'd stop frowning and smile". I knew what they were saying was true and I tried. I just had so much negativity in my spirit that I couldn't smile. No matter how far away I got from the negativity and the abuse, I still carried the weight of it all on my shoulders. I told myself I wasn't going to let anything bother me and I didn't care what people said -but I did, I did care. I wore my feelings on my shoulders. Anytime something was going on with me, my face gave it away. Being an angry person stopped me from meeting people, making connections, and trusting people. Being verbally abused by people I loved made me livid, all I wanted to do was hurt people so that they could feel how bad I was hurting. I developed a thick skin, but no matter how thick the layers were I could never mask my anger. People made me angry, therefore I didn't like people. As an adult dealing with my anger was easier because if you made me mad I just cut you off, never to talk to you again. That was how I operated. Some people I would talk to, but I wouldn't initiate any conversations. This ruined a lot of relationships, especially family bonds. I went years without talking to siblings and months without talking to my mother. The resentment built by the second. It seemed like the more resentment I had the longer I would wait to communicate with you. My anger hurt me more than it could've ever hurt anyone else. As a result I lived my life alone. I stayed lonely, and I felt like I had no one there....but God! When I got to know God and I began to experience His grace I prayed that He would change my heart. I lived many years without forgiveness in my heart. I knew I couldn't really love someone if I didn't forgive them. It took me a loooooong time to forgive a lot of different people for different reasons, but I did, and I'm still working on some relationships. When I let go of my anger I felt free. I had been shackled for so long that I looked different. I smile more, I talk more... I AM FREE! Every now and then anger tries to creep in and take control over me, it tries to rule my actions, but I just pray it away. The devil may be preying on me, but my prayers are more powerful than any of his attacks. My message to you is to free yourself from anger and those things that are holding you captive. Don't get angry, get God. Call on the name of Jesus. He will set you free! And if you do find yourself in a weak moment, its ok. Gather yourself, remember that this is something you are working on, you're not perfect so dont beat yourself up. Encourage yourself to handle the situation better; Repent and Release, forgive yourself and move forward. Dwelling on it will only make it worse. Remember, You've Got This! Love, ChelCy