My Story 3. Redeeming Love

Today as I was doing my spring cleaning I ended up cleaning out my Everything Purse (the purse I throw everything in, from old cameras to extension cords, to important papers, everything). Well I came across this old pill bottle and all the memories attached to it began to flood my mind. For so long I was attached to this pill bottle. For about a year of my life this pill bottle had power over me and not just the bottle, the anti depressants that were in the bottle had me hooked. The events that caused me to rely on the pills in the bottle had me bound. The memories of the night I tried to overdose. The memories of all the tears I cried when I stayed up days at a time just crying because I still felt the pain on my left side from the life of my child being ripped out of me. My fears were in this bottle, my pain was in those pills, and my life was consumed with anguish. The fall of 2007, after living life emotionless and going with the motions of every day my mom noticed a drastic change in me. She knew something was going on she just didn't know what. I wouldn't tell her either. I didn't tell anybody what was going on...now that I think about it, I don't remember saying much to anyone about anything personal during this time. One day I walked in the house she asked me what was wrong, she noticed I was losing weight, I really didn't have an appetite, and I never really wanted to be bothered. She suggested I go and see a doctor, so she scheduled me an appointment and I went. After the consultation and the typical check up the doctor diagnosed me with separation anxiety (go figure). I wasn't surprised nor was I relieved. The diagnosis made me even more depressed -I was ashamed. In my mind I questioned myself how could you let yourself get to this point? Why are you allowing these things to have this effect on you? It's over, get over it...but I couldn't, I was bound. July 2007 I found out I was pregnant (a couple weeks or so after my 18th birthday). I was no longer in a relationship with my then boyfriend and we both were getting ready to go off and start our first semester of college. Having a child was most definitely not in our plans. And the thought of me raising a child in a single parent home was frightening. I was like most parents, I wanted my child to live better than I did. In no way did I want to bring a child into this world without the support and influence of his father. Before I informed my ex of my pregnancy I weighed my options, to keep it, give it up, or let it go. I knew what I didn't want for my child, but I still wanted to keep it. The day I found out I was with child was such an emotional day for me. I mean here I am 18, no job, no degree, and no boyfriend or a male role model to set a good example for myself or my unborn child. I did what any other teen mom would do in this moment... I cried (for hours). The changes in my body made me suspect it, but I never thought I'd actually be carrying someone's child especially now...I just graduated a little over a month ago. Telling my ex was the worst part of the whole experience for me. I was terrified of his reaction and even more disappointed in myself for allowing me to get into this predicament. However, no matter how scared I was I knew I had to let him know what was really going on with me. I started not to...I'm glad I did. I'm a firm believer in the saying "Everything happens for a reason." The moment I allowed the news to flow from my lips I knew we both would be face to face with someone we've never seen before. The conversation itself took its toll on me for a very long time. I never knew I could fall in love so quickly. Our options were weighed, decisions were waived and surrendered based on facts. The decision was made, eventually. I called and scheduled the appointment to have the abortion. The first appointment was to see if the home pregnancy test was accurate. It took 3 attempts to confirm I was with child. For a split second I had a sigh of relief (maybe I wasn't pregnant after all, maybe I won't have to follow through with this...it's just a false alarm). First there was the ultrasound -this was the most uncomfortable thing in the world. In was the scope and there was no baby. Next I had to repeat the embarrassing process of urinating on a stick -look I dont know what was going on that day but my child was playing hide and seek in my belly and he did not want to be found lol (I like to say "he" or "she" in the place of "it" -it was far too early to determine the baby's sex). That test came back negative. So now the nurse thinks I'm crazy and I'm putting myself through this for no reason; but she looked me in my eyes and said we're going to try again. In went the tool and on came the pain. It was like she was looking for buried treasure. Ouch! After 2-3 minutes she found the little love bug. Snugged tight on my left side. For a minute I was soooo happy...but my joy disappeared when the nurse hit me with the question, "Do you really want to do this?" I had a feeling she could see the pain in my eyes and sense how scared I was that day. She tried to make me comfortable by relating to me and telling me how she had a hard time raising her daughter when she was 18 -she also had the opportunity to abort her child but she didn't. Her tone in her voice and her body language -I read, as though she really cared about me and most importantly my decision. She asked me one more question and I couldn't answer quick enough. Would you like to see your child? She made sure to inform me that if anyone found out she did this she could be fired, but I didn't care to tell anyone I just wanted to see. I said yes..and she showed me my sweet pea. I referred to him as my sweet pea because that's just how big he was, a little bigger than a pea. :-) The thoughts that rushed through my mind leaving out of that place..smh... I believe I was in shock. I felt so many emotions all at once. I was angry because here I am preparing to allow someone to take my child away from me, I was sad for the same reason and even more so because I had no one to talk to. Here I am the "Golden" child, the one who everyone says is my mothers favorite -pregnant. Yeah, I told my sister and eventually she told my brother (we were close like that so I didn't mind them knowing, but they were grown, they couldn't relate to me -I thought). I felt ashamed because had my mom known she would've been disappointed in me. I felt protective. When they say your motherly instincts will kick in...they sure will. Since I found out so early the baby wasn't old enough to abort. I had to wait 1.5-2weeks. It was set... August 13, 2007, the worst day of my life. Having to wait to have the procedure was both a happy time and a horrible one. I fell in love so fast. I talked to him, I wanted to see another picture of him to see how he grew...I became attached. I embraced the thought of becoming a mother. I knew if nobody else in the world loved me, my child would. I came up with his or her name, I made sure it was unisex so it could go either way. I mean for a few hours each day I would be floating on cloud 9. Then came the heartache of what I was planning to do to someone I loved so dearly. I called it off so many times. However the thought of hurting someone else I actually knew & loved and the thought of potentially being the reason they would hate me for the rest of their life -I couldn't live with that. I convinced myself that everything will be ok, everything happens for a reason. You can have another kid at the right time when your life is together. Now is just not a good time. I cried so many happy tears, I cried so many tears of sadness, man I cried so much I confused myself. I didn't know how to feel. I was high and low all at the same time. The waiting room was freezing that day. I felt so lost and confused. There were so many different emotions going on around me. The hysterical wife on the verge of a nervous breakdown because she's being forced by her husband to go through with this. The over joyous teenagers relieved that they're old enough to purchase the abortion pill. The silent woman clenching on to her seat who finally showed emotion when it was time to take all the "zombie" pills -That combination of medicine had me so out of myself I could barely walk. If only they would've allowed me to take them when I got there, oh what I would have given to not be able to pay attention to what was happening to me at this time in my life. The cold and silence lasted for 5hours. We had to wait for the doctor to get there. They called my name I stumbled into the room to have the procedure and the nurse handed me a Walkman -she said turn on the radio the sound of the vacuum is really loud and the music will drown it out and keep you calm (-_-). I heard it over the music and even worse I felt the pain of the vacuum ripping the innocent life I fell in love with out of me. The misery lasted until I blacked out. I woke up to the nurse trying to get me to drink water and eat some type of snacks (I was so high everything was a blur just like the rest of this chapter). As a result of my decision I was now diagnosed with separation anxiety. I had uncontrollable panic and anxiety attacks whenever I would think about that day and the pain I would feel (I don't believe I healed properly). Simple words, pictures, and even conversations with my ex would trigger an attack. I didn't know how to live but now I had pills... I had medicine that would fix all my problems, I would feel better after I took them, I wouldn't be like this all the time -I was convinced. My mom allowed me to take the pills for about 2weeks before she stopped me from taking them. The power in one pill was so great that I could take it and within 10 minutes I'd be drowsy and in 15minutes I would be asleep. The doctor suggested I take the pills twice a day, one after breakfast and one after dinner. I literally slept my life away for 2 weeks. I didn't care either. I would pray that I would sleep and never wake up. I hated myself I hated everyone who was involved in my decision I didn't want to live and I didn't want to see people. Well now school has started and its time to start a new chapter in your life, I told myself. Oh how I failed my first semester in college. I didn't care about anything. I went to class took notes and didn't take tests. I'd look online at my grades and get upset, so I would speed home after class stop and pick up some McDonalds on the way home, eat in the car, pop my pill and by the time I made it in the house the medicine would kick in. I did this for about a month, until I met someone. For a while my new boyfriend felt heaven sent but we still had our arguments and whenever I got upset I would just run and take a pill. He soon noticed my pattern and told me one thing I will never forget, "running from your problems won't make them go away. That's not how you deal with the stuff that you're going through". The pills would calm me down, regulate my breathing, and put me to sleep-- but they would never get rid of the problems. I decided to stop taking them when I got mad or upset. I reserved them for panic/anxiety attacks only. I knew I couldn't live like this for the rest of my life, eventually the pills would run out and I just didn't want to have to be dependent on a tiny green pill for the rest of my life. I decided to fight back. I tried to forgive myself and everyone who partook in my decision. I decided to try and love someone again. I decided I needed to love myself and take care of myself. For over a year I was bound by hatred, anxiety, and the lack of love I had for myself and the lack of love I felt everyone should have had for me. I said something to my friend the other day that I truly believe. A person can only take so much. After dealing with a certain situation or certain issues for so long, you'll eventually want to change. However, you won't change for anybody else until you're ready to change for yourself. Guilt, anger, and shame controlled me. Those pills in that pill bottle consumed me. Now grace and the love of my redeeming Savior healed me. For years I felt like a murderer. I felt I was unworthy of love, and I could never really give love to anyone because I allowed this to happen to my own flesh and blood. I felt I would never be blessed and God was going to punish me for the rest of my life. Thank God I was wrong. God healed my pains. The pain from the abortion lasted months after the abortion, and it could have been more mental than physical pain, but I felt it. Jesus saved me! He helped restore my mind and changed my vengeful heart. He is my Redeemer. He has made me capable of conquering so many things, especially fear. For over a year I could not look at baby clothes without crying in the stores, now I make and customize them. Truly my sweet pea is the driving force behind my business. He may not have made it here physically, but he's forever embedded in my heart. God taught me how to love again. For so long I was dependent on the power of the little green pills that were once in that bottle -oh, how I was lost. Never think you've done too much bad to be good. Make God your everything and in return He will give you everything you need. You may be going through what I've gone through, but view my life as an example of redemption. God uses me in spite of all the sins I've committed, allow him to use you too. It is never too late. Thanks for reading! Love, ChelCy