Epiphany

Sometimes we go after things we want and forget about those things we desire to have. We forget about those things that ignite a fire in our spirits because we're too focused on whatever it is that feels good, looks good or for some people, tastes good. Before you know it you've settled into a lifestyle of complacency. Yeah life is good but it can always be better. Yeah you're doing good but why won't you do what it takes to be your best self? The only reason I can come up with is fear. Fear will keep you from being your best self. It will cause you to overlook those things that makes your heart sing. Fear keeps us from living. My fear of persecution keeps me in a box I so desperately want no dealings with. Sometimes we know what we want, we know who we want to be but we allow fear to have the upper hand. I know the scriptures, I know what the bible says about the spirit of fear; but I'm human. There are certain battles I choose not to face. My biggest fear is being an inspiration to other people and not being able to inspire or be able to be there for myself. I never want to be in a position to where I'm living for everyone but me. Making people happy and encouraging people is awesome and it makes me feel amazing that I can be that person for people; but what about me? Living for God is one of the most fulfilling lifestyle changes I have ever experienced. There is a certain peace I have. I have great joy. I also live a lonely life. Honestly I'm use to feeling lonely but sometimes it would be great to have someone there you can connect with on a spiritual level. When you live a certain lifestyle some people feel they have to change who they are to be around you. I respect your decision to respect me -I do! However, the way I love people, I love them for who they are. I don't want people to feel they have to change for me -change for yourself! Change because you know deep down inside how you're living is the wrong way. Change because you know better so you're going to do better. Don't change because I'm around and then go back to being who you are when someone else is around. I'm Chelsie every time you see me. I still laugh, I still joke around, I still dance, I still sing off key, I'm still a little wild and crazy. The only thing that's changed is how I present myself and my love for the lord. I understand not everyone has an intimate relationship with God and that some of them don't understand how fulfilling that relationship can be for those who do; but just because I love Jesus that doesn't mean every time I come around that's all we have to talk about. I'll witness to those who need to be ministered to and I'll share my testimony to those who need to hear it; but Jesus is not all I talk about. I can tolerate a lot of things but one thing I will never tolerate is a disingenuous connection. I will remove myself from the equation before I allow myself to be sucked into something that isn't real. Prior to my walk with God I didn't care too much about what people had to say about me or if I had friends or not. Love was something I was always willing to give but barely received and I was cool with that. I understand that I'm "not for everybody". When I got saved a constant prayer of mine was that JESUS would change my heart towards people. I always cared about most people but this time around I wanted to develop love and a sense of care for ALL people. I said God I want to love like you. Lord help me to gain understanding so that I can have a pure heart. To this day I still pray the same prayer. Eventually my heart did begin to change. Things started to affect me that wouldn't have necessarily had an affect on me prior to my deliverance. One thing I've noticed is I actually care what people have to say about me; It's brought more good out of me than bad. However I'm human. I fall into certain temptations and I mess up. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I strive to be better everyday but lately something has been keeping me back -fear. Coming from where I'm from (the ghetto/the hood) and going through most of the things I've gone through in the short years I've lived my life - there are so many different people who feel they can relate to me. It's almost been 1 year since God spoke to me and told me to write my blog. Within 2 months I began receiving emails, and all sorts of messages from people telling me to keep doing what I'm doing. I inspire them, they look up to me, etc. For some people this would boost their ego but for me I just felt pressure. Anytime I'd slip up someone would be breathing down my throat and telling me to think about other people. Have you ever lived self-LESS for so long that you just felt like it was time to be a little selfish? I mean here I am being everything for everyone else but what about me? I can't vent. I can't have a bad day. I can't cry... Like seriously, at one point I said you know what I'm tired, this is not the life I want to live....WHAT ABOUT ME? As the days go by I realize it's always been about me. My lifestyle, my testimonies, my voice... God chose me. He could've picked anyone else but he said no Chelsie, I choose you. You can find every reason possible to run from your calling. No matter how far you try to run you can never outrun God. You can hide all you want...you can't hide from God. You can rebel against your purpose all you want, God will ALWAYS find you, he will ALWAYS remind you, and you will never do too much wrong to be loved and nurtured by the Holy Spirit. I think it's finally time I stop running, hiding, and rebelling; it's time to get back into alignment with the will of God. There is no peace I have without the presence of God. I just had an epiphany. Love, ChelCy