My Story 2. No Longer A Victim...I AM VICTORIOUS

No Longer A Victim...I AM VICTORIOUS For years I walked around with my held held high and my insecurities on my shoulders. I felt as though no matter how much good I had done in my lifetime, I would always be judged for the wrong I've done. For a long time the bad outweighed the good, as far as "good deeds" are concerned.

I lived a defensive lifestyle. I was always ready for war, rather it be me going back and for with words or back and forth with fists -I was ready. For the most part I'd rather love people than to hurt people, but my evil ways overshadowed the compassion I tried to give. The constant circulation of rumors led to confrontations with those closest to me. And as a result I lost my trust in people. My view was they're going to talk about me anyway so let me beat them to the punch. Everyone felt I was mean so I embraced it - I was the mean girl with an attitude and a slick mouth. I always got the attention of guys and became friends with them quicker than I would girls -didn't matter if I was "interested" or not, if I slept with them or not, I was the "hoe" or at least everybody wanted me to be, so I owned it. Before I knew it I was the victim of my own slander. I disgraced my name more than anyone else did.

At one point I was convinced I was a "bad bitch" -I mean really, I was that chick. I got so caught up in what I thought people thought of me to the point where I seriously lost my identity. I no longer knew who I was. I beat myself up even more because of it. Living my life confused was one of the worst chapters of my life I've been through. I allowed people to treat me a certain type of way, I allowed them to talk to me a certain way... I was so caught up in my mess it started to take its toll on me.

The rumors controlled me, I feel into a depression. I couldn't sleep at night -so disappointed in myself It made me sick. I wouldn't eat, I was in college and I wouldn't study. I'd just go with the motions. I partied, got drunk, and would drive home speeding down the highway in hopes that I would beat the sleep. I never really thought about what people would say if I actually fell asleep behind the wheel and lost my life one of those nights - I was so out of there I didn't care. I mean seriously who cared about me, the only thing anyone wants to do is talk about me -or so I thought. I thank God for His Grace and the renewing of my mind. It wasn't until I found Him that I found myself. I was still in my mess and too stubborn to believe there was a God. All my life I knew of Him, but for many years I didn't believe. I mean I've been through so much foolishness, if there was a God none of this would be happening to me. This was how my mind operated for years. Luckily one day I made the decision to try this God life out. At the university there was an organization called L.U.P.T. (Lamar University Praise Team) and because my love for dance always overshadowed the hell I may have been going through in my life -the opportunity to do the one thing I loved more than anything had me hooked, I was game!

My friend introduced me to this organization, I could dance so I was in. I learned so much in such a short period of time. I got saved and I learned how to intercede in prayer. I saw how people relied on faith and prayer. They believed that God was real and he would answer their prayers, so who was I to be exempt. I learned to pray. I began to develop a sense of faith and it made me want more. I wanted to know more about this faith, so in conjunction with me joining L.U.P.T., I started to seek guidance from The Lord, and I started to go back to church. When your face has hit the pavement and you're all out of luck, you're at your lowest of lows... There's only one way you can go -UP! Slowly but surely my confidence came back and I no longer felt like a victim. I stopped calling myself out of my name and embraced the name I was given at birth. I took time to break down the walls I built around my heart and my soul and I let freedom in. Its easy to fall into the role of the "victim" but it takes strength and courage to become Victorious. No longer do I say those negative things about me, my sins have been washed away. I remember every moment of every low point in my life and I embrace them because they taught me how to value every second of new life. I am no longer a victim to the negative things people say about me...my victories in life will forever have people talking. So I live and I love freely and wholeheartedly -I especially love myself. I am no longer a victim to my own degradation, I am VICTORIOUS. I walk, I talk, I speak victory. I am a winner!